I never thought I would find myself here.
Never in my wildest dreams.
I who was born and raised in church. Attending church from morning to evening, my mom used to carry porridge and a small mattress for me, so that I can rest and eat at church.
Me who served at church whenever I was tired of sleeping, I was known for giving my all in the women’s washrooms whether mopping or cleaning the toilets.
I never thought I would reach this point.
-I am currently questioning what I believe, questioning my faith.
-Doubting all that I believe, asking myself questions that I think a person who believes shouldn’t ask.
-Confused, really confused.
I don’t know if what I believe is right..
am I living my faith right..
what I grew up hearing is all there is to it…
and is this faith the one that I want for my life…
And is He able like He says He is…
I know I have already said what a Christian with a blog that has a Bible on its link shouldn’t. And if only you heard the questions I ask myself.. You would be more shocked.
My faith is shaken.
1. Confused by the teachings | Confusion
I have recently found myself confused.
By what I am taught.
Sometimes, sometimes it is different with what is in the Bible.
I think this stage was a long time coming. I remember when Tasha Cobbs and Nick Minaj did a song together, I was still using social media back then, some preachers were supporting this, some weren’t. Here I was following both teachers, and listening to every word they said. So why couldn’t there agree if this was right or not?
What about Christians and Muslims, as it is a trend nowadays for preachers to say we are related somehow. What about transgender people, gays, lesbian and all these others trends, do I need to have a stand on all of this? And what is it?
I am just left with a lot of confusion.
It is a lot of confusion than clearance now.
I feel like it is hard to know God’s heart from just the teachers/preachers/prophets. I am confused. By them. By their teachings.
I don’t know what is right and wrong.
And what I have learnt is, I won’t know what is right to God, if I don’t learn/ask about it from Him.
2. I have reached that age where I want my own faith | Questioning
I have shared how I used to go to church with mom. I loved and cherish those days. But I feel like it feels so insincere now. I am tired of going to church for mom, or for the fun after it. I want to worship.
I am at that age where I want to make a conscious decision, is this it or not.
This, this questioning is the reason many people leave faith altogether.
For once in my life, I don’t want to do church as a chore.. In fact I wet through this in university. I was alone, far from home, and was required to decide for myself. Will I keep on pretending I love church for the money I’m given on Sunday or I really do love God and His congregation…
This questioning is a must I think, most young people go through this. This is important. Or else you won’t grow in knowing God by yourself, this God will be the God of your mother, your family but never yours.
3. I am going through a difficult time in my life | Doubt
I am here.
You can progress to I am leaving this faith, it doesn’t work. I know. I have watched videos of people who doubted and decided to leave faith.
I on the other hand, I am going through a season of my life that I can’t pray anymore. I just don’t know what to pray for. The other day, when praying I said, ‘God I am not sure You are able to do it’. I said that.
I think grief, hopelessness, and all the difficult things there are to go through in life have a way of opening us up to a completely new relationship with God.
But I also think they have a way of breaking us, like we have never thought of before.
I doubt, like Thomas I need to see Jesus’s hands to believe. My faith so shaken It just can’t be awaken by someone saying something so inspirational.
Do you remember the man who answered Jesus,’ I believe, help my unbelief’, that is me now.
Maybe this will strengthen my faith. Currently I have decided to read the Bible by myself to see if there is any weight that I am carrying which I wasn’t meant to carry. To see what He says from the beginning to the end. To see how Christ lived His life and how I can learn from Him to live mine.
I read His Word so that I can be free.
I am reading His Word so that I can go back to His heart, know His heart by myself.
This might be a good thing.. Losing my religion.
Or a bad thing.. Losing my religion.
Good thing because I might grow, discover and learn who Christ is by myself, rather than what has been passed down by teachers alone. And that’s why I am losing it, to gain His freedom, His thoughts, and His ways.
Bad things because I might lose my religion. Like all who have questioned and failed to find answers that satisfied them and left.
I know God is good, God is able, God is powerful.
And I want to experience that by myself.
I need something different, and different looks like Him.