Lived Experiences (Opinions),  Random

When your relationship with your mom is complicated…

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Mother’s day is a weird day if your relationship with your mom isn’t Instagram worthy.

You feel the pressure to post and show how much you love your mom in a tweet, at the same time reading other’s tweets makes you feel bad or angry.

Relationships are hard and complicated sometimes but in today’s world, it is as if your relationship with your mom has to be perfect. Mothers are earthly gods, you shouldn’t sin against them.

I don’t know about that but my relationship with my mom has been complicated before. In fact last year we didn’t celebrate mother’s day. We had some issues. And I didn’t think I could fakely celebrate her.

My mom is human, I am human.

She tries her best, I try my best.

My mom does things that I hate sometimes and things that hurt me as well.

Humans are selfish sometimes. She, me, you, sometimes we just make stupid decisions.

If you have a complicated relationship with your mom, or you hate her now, I understand.

She hurt you. You have all the rights to feel the way you do.

I don’t know the issues and so I don’t know what to recommend you do, but if you ever choose forgiveness, if you ever choose to mend the relationship, let me share couple things that have helped me.

Try walking in her shoes

Sometimes we forget that our parents are people just like us. We see them as moms and dads before we see them as people.

Walking in her shoes helped me to see my mom at different ages like me. And how she experienced betrayal, pain, joy, things she fears and etc. It made me see why she expects what she expects from me, or projects things to me sometimes. She is human, she is not perfect. And so she can hurt me as well, knowingly or unknowingly.

I think mothers are held in a high standard in our society, to the extent that we don’t see them as humans and also this high standard is what makes them have that mommy guilty because sometimes they feel like they don’t meet the standard.

Some mothers are selfish, not every mom can #sacrificeforme. And that is okay, some people are not fit to be parents. Or maybe the decisions she made were the best for her at the time.

When you decide to take her as human, then you can,

Accept her the way she is

Acceptance is key, don’t try to change someone even if it’s your mom.

As a daughter I have always thought that my mom should have the same principles and thoughts as me. And my mom has felt the same, hence complications.

Accepting her the way she is, flaws and all is key if you are to have a relationship with her again.

And her accepting you the way you are.

Expressing what has created the bridge.

I literally had a chat with my mom on Friday and Saturday night to talk through some things.

Sometimes you need to talk the two of you, sometimes you need to air out how she has hurt you and how you can move forward together. But sometimes you need to

Create boundaries

For some reasons moms feel like they can control every area of your life and it has to go exactly how she dreams/wants it to go.

And of course every parent has a dream for her child, but I think boundaries sometimes means telling her what your dreams are and being clear and asking for her respect on that matter. Or sometimes it means spending sometime away so that both of you can think through things.

Relationships with mothers can be complicated just as relationships with fathers, friends or relative. Don’t feel guilty for it not working out, it actually takes intentionality from two people for relationships to work. I hope your mom is also working hard to mend the relationship because at the end of the day it is not about who is right, but about what is important.


I hope those tips will be helpful in your situation. But also please share what has worked in your case.

Eunice

9 Comments

  • Angasa Salome

    Eunice, this is such a great post. If I can recommend anything to do before starting your post’s tips, it is to forgive. It’s not easy and some parents do not even deserve forgiveness. But you don’t forgive for them. You forgive for yourself. Acceptance comes from forgiveness. Mending fences comes from forgiveness. Even the ability to walk away and truly move on can only come from forgiveness.

    Loved reading this!

    • Eunice Tossy

      Thank you love.

      Yeeeees, so true. Thank you so much for sharing this. This is a very important point love. I am glad you shared it. Everyone needs to know this.

      Thank you love

  • Anita Kamba

    Hey, I like this post because I can relate. I felt the IG pressure and status pressure too and the points you raised are things I agree with.

    How else I look at it, is life has seasons, sometimes relationships with family can be complex during celebratory moments and it’s okay. Just work through it a day at a time for yourself.

    Most relatable post

  • Amaka

    This post resonates so so much with me! It’s not everyone that can make a mothers day post, and posting doesn’t matter either because if you post yet your relationship is dysfunctional offline then what are you trying to prove?

  • Grace Nakomolwa

    As children it is important to be good listeners to parents. I don’t believe there is a woman who wants her child to go astray. I think what our moms get hard onto us, is for our own good perhaps not now but in the future. Building mutual understanding between ourselves and moms may work out. At some points, what they tell us may not sound ideal at that time, let’s learn to be quiet and listen, take sometime to think, rethink and try understand what they say before reacting and raising our voices to them. I am sure, when we grow up and become mothers at some points we gonna regret what we have been doing to our moms cause there is were we will now be wearing their shoes and experience what they experience now. So, lets learn to create mutual understanding and compromise with our mothers when situations don’t seem pleasing.

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