Pata majibu ya maswali yote uliyonayo kuhusu maisha ya chuo na changamoto zake

Mahusiano

An open letter to the men I meet while I’m still healing

It breaks my heart to think about how my life would have been like with you in it, so I don’t think about it, I don’t even welcome the possibility of exploring that. I have learned that we only live once, and I will live with myself in my own body for all that time, I think it is worthy it to explore me first. I have just been playing with the idea of figuring myself out, taking time to heal for a long time, I think now I’m ready to go through that journey.

I know you are decent, you seem like a good person, it’s just that I now have something that I wanted for a long time for myself, being a single person who lives alone in a new city. I want to enjoy that phase of my life, and welcoming you in my life destroys that plan for me.

I also don’t think that I have feelings to give. I have recently learned about emotional burnout for people who have been through things that I have been through, people who grew up in houses like mine, after a long time of trying to survive, living in fight/flight and all the F states, when you get to a peaceful place you just feel like you have used up all of your emotions. It really is me, not you. I just need sometime to heal, enjoy, and be.

When I first shared my goal of being alone, one of my friends told me ‘you said the same thing last time, but that didn’t translate to a good relationship afterwards’. Which was so funny and made me look back. I realized that whenever I said that I wanted to be single, I was always single and searching, single because I wasn’t in a relationship, that’s why whenever any relationship showed up, I jumped on it.

I realized that I looked at healing as a thing I do for my next relationship, not for myself. I heal so that I become a better partner to my next relationship. I now have realized that I need to heal for myself, because I’m responsible for me. When I heal for me, it is easy to take care of me in all life situations. That is why I have chosen to not be searching outside, but inwardly, and you have come to me during that season for me.

This season was scary to walk into, I tried to just get into the next relationship and the next, just so I don’t sit alone, just so I don’t ask myself hard questions. I have let people make decisions for me just so that I don’t figure out what I really do want. This season is me taking the time to learn about me because I realized this is my life and I need to live it for me, for once I should be alone for me, to get to know myself and enjoy my own company. In a world where it would make so much sense to everyone and my past self if I jump to be in a relationship with you, it just feels like its time for me to be with me.

To the man/men, I have met/will meet when I’m healing, saying no to you is a love letter to me.

Eunice

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