Growing up my biggest fear was to make mistakes in life. Choose something that will be a mistake.
A huge red spot on my white shirt.
I was a girl who dreaded making decisions for herself.
Which school should i go to?
Why is this such a big and a hard decision?
What should I eat for lunch?
Which soft drink do I want right now?
All of these choices are amazing and huge and important and I can’t make them.
I would hide in my room, get scared and sleep for a week while I avoid the topic that needs a decision everytime my mom brings it up.
I’m so scared of making mistakes in life. So scared that I even wrote an apology post for my readers. And what I define as mistakes are choosing a wrong career, a wrong spouse, make decisions that hurt people and etc.
In short just living life.
The more my awareness of things grows the more I realize I have hurt people and the world before and I probably still do, maybe unknowingly with my life choices and consumption. But the more that I know the more that I try to be better, and I think that the change is what matters.
We weren’t born with all the knowledge of how things truly are, we live in a beautiful troubled world, we are gonna make decisions that hurt this blue dot at some point but I think it matters that we change when we know better. I think that it matters that we seek to know more and know how to do better.
I have started to take the pressure off of me to live a perfect life. A spotless life. A right life. A life full of right decisions. I have started to believe it doesn’t exist. I’m aiming for a growing life, a life evident of my growth.
Since I am doing this life thing for the first time, I’m taking the ‘mistakes’ as life lessons, more importantly as a part of my history, a part of my life, a journey I had to go through to grow, to learn.
So yeah I might get into a wrong career, but maybe I got into it to just realize that it wasn’t for me, as long as I’m still living, I can turn my life around.
Yeah I might be in a relationship with a ‘wrong person’ but that relationship is teaching me something about me, helps me grow, helps me learn.
What I’m saying is , I’ve stopped looking at my life choices, especially past and the future decisions with fear, yes they are big BIG life decisions, but if they turn out to be wrong, it will just be my life journey, it won’t be the end of my life.
Perfect, spotless life doesn’t exist.
Full of lessons, matured people do.
Maybe we don’t do the right things with our lives all the time, Maybe we don’t know what we are doing with our lives, and sometimes with the little knowledge we have on the subject, we don’t make the right decisions for us or others, and maybe that experience is one that we should have as well in life.
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