I love love. I love happy couples. I love stories of how a couple is happy, those stories make me giggle. I love being in love, or the idea of being in love. Mostly being loved because you know it’s a good feeling, but I think loving someone is, you know, work. It is work, but one of those rewarding works, the one where when you do them you feel happy yourself. So I guess when you are in love, it is easy to love.
I should have said it should be easy instead of it is easy because most of the time it’s not. You can have an amazing partner, everything you have ever dreamt of, a ride or die, someone in it with you, but you can still struggle to stay in it because of the demons of the past aka trauma. Sometimes you destroy a perfect relationship because joy and pleasure scare you, you are not used to good, positive feelings or sometimes you dwell so much on being jealous so you look for reasons to be, poke this person in and out so that he can be like the dysfunctional people that you are used to dating.
I’m just saying ‘you’ to avoid using ‘i’, so don’t feel judged, it’s me not you. Ever since I started dating my partner I have realized that those cute couple videos that show how being in love is beautiful, have been selling me the truth but not the whole truth. For me at least, being in love is forcing me to face a lot of demons that wake up when you are sharing your life with someone else. It’s not like I wasn’t working on myself while single but it seems like life is all about working on yourself since I still am healing and working on myself even now, in a relationship.
Coming from a background of being cheated on, cheating myself, lied to, absent father, several relationships that have ended badly, sexual abuse, divorces (not mine of course) and a few examples of healthy relationships around you, can prepare you to love the idea of being in love but not really know how to keep, stay in and fight for love. So sometimes I find myself needing more assurance than normal, sometimes I find that the past traumas knock on the door of this perfect house and I find myself fighting because playing with them can lead to me burning this beautiful house that I live in, sometimes I find myself not communicating well the demons that I’m fighting that day and in return I see how much it hurts my partner. It’s just too much selfless work, a beautiful, healing, life work. But still work.
I don’t know what healing looks like, maybe it looks like those perfect YouTube and Instagram videos of those couples in love, or maybe those couples in love were making those videos while fighting their own demons behind closed doors. I hope that is how it is though, because me and my partner are doing the same. Coming from a tough emotional year that I had last year, it’s good to have a person who grows with me, heals with me and is on this journey with me. When I told him about the demons I’m fighting, he told me, “you are not alone, I also have demons that I’m fighting”. Then he went ahead and shared his own demons and he frequently tells me how, “my growth is not only mine but ours” and in those times I know he is worth every battle I have to go through in love.