When I was in high school I broke up with my then boyfriend because he wasn’t a singer, my one, my ideal partner was supposed to be a singer and have a ministry in church, he was supposed to be actively serving God and my then boyfriend was just a regular church goer, he was definitely not ‘the one’.
Oh! I should have mentioned that when I was in secondary school, a pastor friend of my mom told me that God told him that I should not date till I finish university, when I do finish my university education I will meet the one for me. So I held on to this idea for so long and refused so many guys for that reason and I felt guilty when I dated couple guys that I did date, I felt like I was cheating on ‘the one’ but I also felt like I was bringing shame and betraying God because He had already promised me ‘the one’ if only I had patience and denied all these other amazing guys who asked me out.
When I was in college I was seeing the guy who inspired this post, I would be lying if I said he didn’t treat me right. He was committed to loving me, seeing me for who I am and still accepting me, he helped me grow, shared his books with me which I drew lines on and wrote side notes since that’s how I read books, he cooked for me, we watched movies together, he was adventurous like me, everyone who knew us thought we were a perfect match, looking back I think so too. Except I thought there’s ‘the one’, not this one, remember God’s promise of after college love? So this can’t be it, there’s better for me out there, I chose not to ‘settle’ nor compromise. He just wasn’t it for me, like he wasn’t a singer, he wasn’t into ministry work, he believed he should work hard on his projects and support the church financially, yup, he definitely wasn’t ‘the one’.
I should mention that I discovered Jonathan McReynolds around that time, and I used to mention to that guy that I was seeing in college that Jonathan McReynolds was the one God had for me, cringe, I do too everytime I remember. That guy thought I was just crushing on his music and maybe infatuated just like a million other female followers of his who believe that he is the man God has for them. When I left this guy because I thought the other guy was the one for me, is when I took time to think about the whole “ONE” idea and what I believed about love.
You see I grew up hearing that God has a man special for me, and I internalized that to mean God had a man who was ideal for me, and since He knew me He knows what I want in a man, He knows my preferences, and I was encouraged to write them down and pray for them. Since they had told me that God is accurate in His answers to us, I should also be accurate in writing down every bit of detail that I wanted about the guy that was the one for me like even height and eye color. This belief was supported by romantic comedy movies that I also love to watch on Christmas. Girl is unlucky in finding love then paap she meets the perfect guy, the one, he is everything, everything she thought the guy would be and they face couple hurdles then they survive them, then they marry and the movie ends with them going to live happily ever after.
In Christian circles, the one is presented to be this guy who will be Christ-like, infallible, the one will never have problems, never have issues or trauma to deal with, the one will just be perfect, perfect height, perfect weight, perfect personal style, very clean, perfect income, if he isn’t ticking all the boxes then you are settling because there’s, trust me there’s the one who will tick all the boxes, if only you wait for him, and so we are told.
Let me burst your bubble, there’s no one who is perfect, there’s no man/woman who will tick all your boxes, there’s no one who will be Christ-like since the bible says all have fallen short of his glory, remember? You will get a man, a human being, who will love you but won’t be who you see when you close your eyes, he wil be who he is, who you see when you open your eyes, when you embrace and accept the real world rather than living in your fantasy land. In relationships, You just choose who you are okay with and you be with them, as long as they meet qualities that matter to you in life and in doing life together like values, like who he is as a person, like his goals, like is he a family man, is he selfless, is he a good person to be around etc, but things like age, height and other small things can be compromised and accepted because the truth is ‘the one’ you see when you daydream doesn’t exist.
There’s no partner who will be perfect, not with flaws or will be a textbook manifestation of christ, you will date and marry men, they are humans, have flaws and contrary to christ, you will need to forgive them for all the hurts, disappointments and pain they will cause. Our generation is obsessed with running away after one relationship problem emerges, we always think I don’t need to try harder there’s the one for me out of this relationship.
Sometimes there’s not, but you are missing out on who’s a good partner for you, for the one that doesn’t exist. By the way I don’t mean don’t have standards, have them but not superficial stuffs, don’t miss out on an amazing guy because he doesn’t have a car or is not working a job which you wanted your ideal partner to be in.
There’s a difference between what Christians term as ‘settling’ and choosing to do life with a human being.
It was really hard to get this ‘ONE’ idea out of my dating life, but as I grew up I finally came to realize and accept the reality that there’s no perfect one but there’s someone who is perfect for me and who we will grow to be perfect together and for each other regardless of our differences in things that don’t matter and even when he doesn’t tick all the things I was encouraged to pray for in a partner.
Also Read : Dear single person, you are worthy of love